When should you have the sex talk with your kid?

Generations of Indians have grown up learning about sex from friends, movies, sex doctors’ columns in newspapers and doodles on the walls of school toilets. But the decreasing age of sexual debut and the growing rate of sexual crime have made parents realise the need to arm their children with the correct information from an early age. Niyati Sharma, the 23-year-old founder of nonprofit Pratisandhi which imparts judgement-free and medically accurate sexuality education to adolescents and adults across India, told us how parents can use everyday situations to start a conversation about sex
There is no real ‘right age’ for sex education, as long as it is imparted in a safe and healthy manner.In general, children under the age of five years need to know about concepts like safe and unsafe touch, privacy, consent, and body ownership. You can show your child images of her favourite cartoon character in different moods and ask her what it is feeling. For example, the child may identify a happy Spongebob or a sad Doremon or an angry Peppa Pig. Then encourage them to imagine situations that could lead to such feelings.
When a close friend hugs them, they feel happy. But if they are alone in a park and a stranger touches them, they may feel scared. This way kids learn to identify what different touches may feel like and learn to listen to what their body and mind is telling them. It is almost impossible to give kids a list of possible dangerous situations but in this way, they can learn to identify them on their own and learn how to act on feelings like fear and sadness.
When your child is between the ages of five to eight years, you can start explaining the functions of body parts and the basics of reproduction. You should also talk about setting boundaries with family and friends as well as masturbation. From ages 10 to 13 years, you need to help the child deal with puberty, talk about intercourse and other sexual behaviour as well as safety measures. You must also teach the importance of creating healthy relationships and managing emotions such as attraction and jealousy. Moreover, you need to make the child aware of sexual abuse and how to prevent it as well as identify your trusted network of people such as parents or teachers.
If you are not sure about how to start the sex talk, first try to find out what your child already knows. Ask questions like “What do you think?”, “How do you think this happens?” or “What do you already know about sex?” These are good ways of getting them to share their thoughts and open a communication channel. Remember, we can’t afford to delay having the ‘sex talk’. By the time children hit puberty they are already learning or talking about sex from peers or seeing references come up in the media. It is very important to become an ‘askable’ parent. This means that you create a space safe for children so they feel like they will not be judged for asking questions about sensitive things even if you may not always agree with them.
Sex education does not have to be an awkward conversation. Use teachable moments and opportunities in daily life to explain these messages. For example, if there is a condom ad on television, don’t change the channel. Talk about safe sex. If you see problematic behaviour in a movie, ask your child what they thought of it and how it can be inferred differently. One can also use representations of different kinds of families that your children’s friends may come from and normalise them. Daily teachable moments go a much longer way in creating an overall healthy attitude around sexuality than one-sided information dumping.
If you catch your child watching adult content or touching himself, pause before reacting. How you respond to a situation can set the tone for your child’s attitude around sexuality. As a parent, try to avoid strong and negative reactions such as scolding or punishing. Try to understand where your child is coming from. We need to establish masturbation as a normal, healthy, and private activity. Children begin to explore their private parts even as early as seven years. The easiest way to explain masturbation to a young child can sound like this: “Sometimes people like to touch different parts of their body in a way that makes them feel good. It is not a bad thing and it is normal to want to learn more about your body. But this is a private activity. We should not touch ourselves, especially our private parts, around other people and we cannot touch anyone’s body without their permission.”
Similarly, when it comes to pornography, explain to your child that it is a private activity and that not everything we see on screen is realistic.
Sex education is not a one-time conversation. It is an ongoing and developing two-way dialogue that should start early on and continue to be built upon.